Thinking about getting into swinging?

So you and your significant other have decided that you want to try swinging. Why? Are you trying to save a relationship that is going sour? Is it because he (or she) wants to and you are afraid to lose him (or her) if you object? Those are about the worst reasons possible to get involved with swinging, and your relationship IS going to fail. It might be next week, next month, or maybe even next year, but it WILL happen. If you really want to save your relationship try talking to each other instead, or try getting some counselling.

If your relationship is strong, however, and you just want to expand your sexual horizons or add a little spice to your life, swinging can be a wonderful thing. There are a few things that you should know before trying to find that perfect couple or single for you, though.

The most important thing is communication. I can't stress this enough. You need to talk with each other and decide what you want as a couple. This is most definately not an activity for one of you to orchestrate while the other just goes along. You both need to decide on who you do, or do not, want to meet and what your boundaries are. It is very important to establish your boundaries BEFORE you meet that first couple or single (depending on what you are looking for).

Some examples of typical boundaries are:

  • You only play as a couple (no meeting other couples or singles without your partner)
  • You arrive together and you leave together
  • You don't play on a first date
  • You always use protection
  • You don't do oral, or anal, or certain sexual positions
  • You don't meet someone for the first time at their home; only in a public place

  • These are just a few examples of some typical boundaries. You know yourselves better than I ever could, and you need to talk things out between yourselves to figure out what works for you.

    When looking for your first couple (or single) it is important to find people that are as close to exactly what you are looking for as possible. Do not make the mistake of merely settling for just anybody just so you can have someone new to jump into bed with. You WILL regret it later if you do.

    Do not let anyone pressure you into compromising your boundaries or pressure you into doing something that you are not comfortable with, even if it is not one of your stated boundaries. The boundaries exist so that you and your partner know what your limits are with others ahead of time, as well as to protect you as much as possible from the things that are within your ability to control, but they are just guidelines. They can be modified as needed as you go along and learn more about yourselves and the things you will encounter in your swinging experiences.

    When you meet with a new couple, you need to let them know what your rules or boundaries are as well as ask them if they have any rules or boundaries that you need to be aware of. Mutual respect is extremely important.

    Never "take one for the team". If, for example, your husband is extremely attracted to the wife of the new friends you have met but you are not attracted to the husband, you do not have to go to bed with him just so your husband can have fun with the wife. Swinging is about everyone having encounters that they want to have. It is not about making someone else happy at your own expense. If you decide to go ahead and sleep with him anyway, it could lead to you resenting your husband later for having fun while you had to lay there and close your eyes, pretending you were somewhere else. Better to simply say that you just don't "feel it" and go home. You can always have sex with your husband when you get home, and talk about how the evening went, making plans to better avoid a similar situation next time.

    Be aware of everything when you meet new people for the first time. Watch for "red flags" and trust your instincts. For example, if the husband in the new couple you just met shows a disregard for his wife's feelings he will most likely also show a disregard for your wife's feelings. At the very least this could mean he is going to be an inconsiderate lover. It could also mean that he is a violent person. Better to simply leave and look for someone else another time than to just go ahead and jump into bed with them and regret it later.

    One thing that is fairly typical after a first swinging experience, but is not often mentioned, is a sudden outpouring of emotion. This happens most often with the women, but can also happen with men, and is something you need to be aware of. It does not always happen, but happens enough that it warrants mentioning. You may suddenly find yourself crying uncontrolably and not understanding why, especially if you had a wonderful swinging experience. This may happen on your way home, or the next day, but will happen fairly soon after your first experience. This is your mind coming to grips with what you have just done since it is outside of the societal norms that you have grown up with. It does not mean that you are going crazy, that you have cheapened yourself, or that you are less of a person now that you have had this experience. It will pass, but you need to talk about how you are feeling. Your partner needs to be supportive of you, even if he or she does not understand quite what you are going through, as you won't quite understand it, yourself. This emotional outpouring is not uncommon and it will pass.

    This information is provided as just a guideline. You will need to find what works best for you and your partner. Swinging can be a wonderful thing and can serve to strengthen an already great relationship. It can also serve to destroy a weak or failing relationship. Never try to force or trick your partner into trying swinging. It is almost guaranteed that your attempt will fail and you could very easily find yourself single in short order.

    This site, (referred to as SLS), is a great place for new swingers to get started as it allows you to sign up a new profile for free. Unlike many other swinger web sites, you can actually message people and set up a meeting with them without first having a paid account. You won't be able to see people's naked pictures or see more than a limited number of profiles per day with a free account, but it is a great place to start to see if this sort of thing is for you. Don't expect everyone that you message to want to meet you. Not everyone is suited for everyone else. Fill out your profile as completely as possible. The more information you put about yourselves, the better someone else can get a feel if you may be a good match for each other. Many people will not respond to you if there are no pictures of you in your profile, either. You do not have to show your face or nude body in your profile if you don't want to, but a picture showing you both together (even with your faces blurred) lets people know that you are for real.